When In Doubt, Consult an Expert (Duncan)

[Jonas Parker]

Nothing like being of age during winter hols, yeah?  Jonas had to admit, he was rather liking the freedom that went along with being a wizard of legal age.  And even better, he had less than a year to go, before he finally graduated from Hogwarts.  Of course, the downer to that was that he was going to (maybe) end up working for the Aurors' Office ... but for right now, he was going to enjoy the freedom that he had.

Which, at the moment, didn't include his girlfriend, although he was certainly thinking of her as he plopped himself down at a table at the Three Broomsticks.  No butterbeer for him, he was Of Age, thanks.  Straight ale for him, while he waited for ... an acquaintance.  For advice, no less.

Jonas's relationship with his girlfriend was getting ..... gah, dare he say it?  More ..... oh, all right, he'd go ahead and say it.  Serious.  MUCH more serious.  As in, they'd gotten quite intimate.  Or rather, they'd seen each other naked.  Now, while that in itself wasn't such a bad thing (since when was it EVER a bad thing to a bloke?), the fact that ... well, she hadn't exactly enjoyed it QUITE as much as he had, was disturbing.  And Jonas was finally starting to admit to himself that maybe this was starting to head to Serious Stage, because he'd decided to try to rectify that.

Hence, the owl to one Duncan Shaughnessy, the stuff of legends when it came to that sort of thing.  Jonas had nearly worshipped the bloke some years back, and had been especially ecstatic for a small period of time when his sister ... well, that was done and over with, no sense in dwelling on it.  They'd both moved on since then.  Still, there was no denying that Duncan had acquired a helluva reputation at school, and apparently he'd had repeats.  So he MUST have been doing something right, yeah?

Right now, the Three Broomsticks was nearly empty (because it was the hols), and Jonas had chosen a fairly isolated corner.  Partly because this wasn't exactly the sort of conversation he wanted overheard.  And it was too cold to be outside.  And Puddifoot's ... erm, no.  Three Broomsticks it was.

Hopefully, the bloke would show up, because Jonas had a number of uncomfortable questions for him.

[Duncan Shaughnessy]

Duncan Shaughnessy had to say he wasn't that fond of winter. It really made quidditch and practices less enjoyable. Then again, at least he was getting paid to fly around and play a game. Not many people could say that. Usually, Duncan made a habit of apparating to warmer climates when he wasn't busy. Bloody Scotland was cold as fuck.

He hadn't anticipated receiving an owl from Megan's younger brother Jonas...A bloke he'd talked to on numerous occassions at school and while he'd been teaching. However, he wasn't the sort to not go and see what was up.

So he arrived at the three broomsticks in a thick leather jacket, jumper, and jean trousers. And there he was. The lad in question. Walking up to the lad, he plopped down across from the lad after clapping him on the shoulder.

"'Lo there, Jonas, how's it goin'? Been enjoying yer hols?"

Duncan flagged down a bartender and ordered a lager. Afterall this wasn't pissed up time, it was chat time. And he ordered a basket of chips and a basket of cheese cubes. Nothing like pub food to fuel a chat. Plus it was cold outside so it sounded good to have a full stomach.

"So, what's going on?"

[Jonas Parker]

The fact that Jonas nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a clap on the shoulder, attested to just how lost he'd been in his thoughts about this whole.  Really, it almost had the feel of standing in a deserted alleyway somewhere, with a fedora-topped bloke wearing a trenchcoat chock-full of illegal (and illicit) stuff on the inside.  Yes, he was that uneasy (oddly enough) about this little ... meeting.  Or lesson.  Or whatever.

Still, after hearing a familiar baritone, he grinned when he saw the very person he'd been waiting for.  Duncan Shaughnessy (who, now that Jonas thought about it, sounded an AWFUL lot like his older brother.  Which was probably why he'd jumped to begin with.), he of the legendary reputation with girls.

"Hullo, Duncan," he nodded as the bloke sat down across from him.  "Going well enough, I suppose ... hols are hols, always glad to get a break from the school.  And you?  I take it your team's doing well enough?"  He smiled and nodded, taking drinks nervously out of his tankard from time to time, while the older bloke ordered some food.  Yeah, food sounded like a right brill idea.  Jonas ordered some chips and crisps, himself.  And another ale.  He wasn't so worried about being pissed up, he could hold his ale.  It was firewhiskey that was a different story.

Oh yeah.  Nothing like cutting right to the chase, yeah?  "Well ...."  Jonas frowned for a moment, and then he leaned forward, as though speaking conspiratorially.  "Look, I know we've talked about this before, sort of ... the fact that you're a sort of ..... erm, legend at school ..... y'know at shagging and all that .... and ..... well, I .... need some advice."  Jonas reddened visibly.  "And I really can't go to my dad on that sort of stuff."  Mainly because he was EXTREMELY uncomfortable around his dad, and vice versa.

Right, plow on.  "Anyway ..... we both know ..... that you've, erm, shagged a virgin and all ..... but that's not the point, you've probably shagged more than one, not holding that against you ..... but, erm, yeah.  Need a little advice on that sort of thing."

Ugh.  That made it sound like he was trying to be a man-whore himself, didn't it?  So not the case.  He was just worried about ONE girl right now, thanks.  "But I'm not out to sleep around," he added quickly.  "Not trying to score as many girls as possible, really I'm not."

[Duncan Shaughnessy]

Duncan nodded as his lager showed up. Immediately he took a long swig of it. Now that he was in the pub, he couldn't help but be hungry. It was the smell. Not just the smell but he could nearly just taste the stuff in the air. It tasted good. He hoped his good didn't take so long.

"Good to hear, I'm doing well, team's doing well. Everything is grand."

Now Duncan was a bit too focused on food. He took another large swig of his lager. Yes, that tasted quite good as well. Then the lad started blabbering and Dunnie really wasn't sure what to make of that. So he'd gotten laid a lot when he was in school...what was the about exactly? And the lad was leaning forward and talking in those tones. Like they were talking about something dirty. Well for fuck's sake they were in a pub. What else was talked about when one was in a pub? It was perfectly acceptable pub conversation.

"Advice?" he replied, a bit dumbfounded. "About shagging virgins?"

Duncan wasn't that fond of shagging virgins anymore, really. The novelty had really worn off. Anyway, it wasn't about him. It was about Jonas.

"Not sure what you're asking here, lad. Like you want to know how to get into bed with one or what to do once ye get there? Because that's two different things?"

And he had no idea why the lad felt the need to say that he wasn't out to sleep around. Really? Gah. And he wanted a virgin?

[Jonas Parker]

Jonas nodded amicably.  "Well, that's good to hear," he replied in regards to the team doing well.  Maybe I'll actually get out to watch you lot playing, sometime."  So far, so good, keep the conversation light before dropping the bomb, yeah?

Right.  So Jonas took another swig of ale, thinking that maybe he should have ordered food earlier.  Like, before Duncan got there.  Maybe it would have settled him somewhat, because ... yeah.  Blokes didn't normally go about ASKING for pointers, they normally went about GIVING pointers.  No bloke didn't want to admit that perhaps they were a bit ... lacking, when it came to matters of the sack.  Well, not THAT kind of lacking, but in knowledge.  Which went to show that Jonas really didn't know that much, when it came to such matters.

Anyway.  He hemmed and hawed, stammering away.  As he spoke, he got the impression that he not only could've been a little more direct, but he probably should've been a little more direct.  As it was, he didn't even seem to be making sense to himself, and it was painfully clear that he wasn't making any sense to Duncan, either.

"Well ... yeah.  Advice," he said, a shade irritably.  "Erm ... well ... yes and no?"  Kinda hard to ask how to shag a virgin when he'd already shagged one.  THAT wasn't the issue, thanks.  And if that had him a bit irritable, Duncan's next question had him a bit flummoxed.  Good Merlin, was it that hard to figure out what the hell he was trying to ask?

He took another swig of ale, trying to figure out how to word this--without looking like an idiot.  Or rather, without looking more like an idiot than he already did.  Because honestly, he FELT very much like an idiot.

"Erm ... no, not how to get one into bed, because I already managed that one," he said, reddening even further.  "Some months back.  And ... well, I already know what to do with one.  I think.  At least, I ... well, I know the mechanics of the whole thing."  Hmm, maybe that wasn't quite making his point, either.

"It's just that ... well, I think I must be missing something, because ... well ... I haven't been able to ... well, you know ... erm ... well, she ... erm ..."  Really, this was beyond the point of embarrassing.  It was downright mortifying, if one wanted to know the truth.

"Well, she hasn't ... y'know ... erm ... well ... she hasn't gotten ... off.  If you know what I mean."  There it was, he finally got it out, and ... yeah.  Could we just melt into the floor now?

[Duncan Shaughnessy]

Duncan was starting to understand. It took him a bit, but he was finally getting it. Just as the food arrived as a matter of fact. He grabbed a chip and a cheese cube at the same time and popped them into his mouth. Cheesy potato goodness. He listened, trying not to snicker (which was easier since he was stuffing his face and washing it down with ale) while Parker explained further.

Ah, Duncan remembered those days. Although Duncan had really not needed to ask his brother about thsi particular topic, it had seemed that Rohan anticipated his need and just told him. That was convenient. Those times. Simple times. Right, so he could repeat what he'd been told, yeah? Easy enough.

"Right then, that's much easier to deal with and all, mate. No need to be shy about talking about a shag," he said, "Have you gotten her off at all? Like doing anything?" he asked.

Duncan eyed him for a moment and waved a hand at him. Right, so the lad wasn't going to be able to talk. That much was obvious. So, he'd just talk.

"So, yeah, for blokes it's all about the inside yeah? We like to be inside things. That how we get off. Pretty easy. Insert, stimulate, get off. Lassies, they're different. It's nae tha' way for them. Some of it's about the inside. But poking about in there doesn't get a lass off. Ye've got to stimulate the outside. You following me?"

[Jonas Parker]

Thank Merlin the food arrived, because ... well, Jonas desperately needed the distraction.  This was a VERY uncomfortable subject to be talking about, and maybe stuffing his face with food would help ease the uncomfortable silence that was bound to occur at some point or other.

Was it his imagination, or was Duncan starting to snicker?  Meh, he was imagining things.  Duncan was just happy to see the food, that was it.  Funny, he looked thin as a rail (although Jonas wasn't much larger), but he could really put away the food.  Then again, so could Jonas.

He breathed a small sigh of relief as Duncan finally--FINALLY--understood.  See, that wasn't so hard, was it?  Well, no .... it wasn't difficult to talk about a shag.  What was difficult, was talking about a shag full of inadequacies.  Such as the ones that he seemed to be experiencing, lately.

Oh, grand.  Now THAT was a question that he had difficulty answering.  Directly, anyway.  The seventh year sort of hemmed and hawwed again, as his face maintained that lovely shade of red.  "I ... erm ... well ... erm ... kind of ... I think.  I mean, I got a few ... erm, interesting noises ...."  Why was this so damn difficult to talk about, anyway?

Apparently, he was missing the point.  And not just missing, but swinging quite wide of it.  Jonas looked at Duncan sheepishly, and stuffed a chip in his mouth.  Yep, let's sort of hide behind an uncomfortable silence, yeah? 

He leaned forward as the older bloke began talking, keenly interested now.  "Right ... right ... I gotcha there, mate," he nodded.  Yep, he could attest that it was all about inside, for blokes.  Bloody hell, the hard part (no pun intended) had been lasting long enough.  Outside ... outside what?!?

"The outside," he repeated, blinking.  "What do you mean by .... oh.  Ohhh, right, right.  I gotcha, mate.  So far, I think."  He frowned for a moment, stuffed a chip in his mouth, and chewed thoughtfully for a moment.  "Erm ... where, specifically, on the outside?"

Okay, so Jonas was a bit clueless.  Which he was slowly admitting.

[Duncan Shaughnessy]

Was Duncan ever this weird about shagging. This awkward? He really hoped not. Then again his family had all been rather casual about sex for his entire life, so perhaps it was the opening of that sort of culture for Duncan.

Yeah he got it. Duncan was sure he got it. NOT. If he got it, then he wouldn't be here asking questions. Obviously the lad didn't know much about the outside and all that. He seemed rather bloody confused about the whole thing.

"Specifically, her clit, that little nubby bit down there right at the top of her squishies."

He eyed the other lad with his hazel eyes as if trying to read him about his understanding. He hoped Jonas could understand this far or else the lad was simply going to have to do some serious exploring down there to figure it out.

"Yeah well ye've got to stimulate that, either rubbing it while yer y'know driving in, or fingering it while...That's what it's all about. And don't give up until ye get her off. If ye do it with yer hands or your tongue or your cock, all the same mostly."

[Jonas Parker]

Specifically, the WHAT?  Oh.  OHHH!  Right, THAT part!  A look of dawning and understanding crossed Jonas's face.  Oh yeah, that's right ... he'd found THAT part before.  Normally, he'd only touched it as part of ... erm, foreplay, but ... oh. So he had actually had to do something the entire time?

"Oh, right.  Yeah, THAT I know about," he nodded, before stuffing another chip into his mouth.  "So I actually have to KEEP touching that, throughout?  Until she actually gets off?  Okay, that sounds easy enough."  Or so he hoped.

And then he frowned slightly.  "So ... erm, does it sometimes take a while for that to happen?  Like ... about how long can I expect it to take?"  Because honestly, he wasn't sure WHAT he would do, if he got his rock and roll and she STILL hadn't ... well, y'know.  And then he looked at Duncan intently.  "Have you ever been in that sort of situation, where the girl ... couldn't ... erm, y'know ... get ... happy?"  Hey, he thought he'd ask, while he was here.

Which reminded him, he had yet another question.  "Oh ... and how can you tell if she's ... pretending or not?"  Hey, good information to know ... just in case.  Not that he EVER thought that his girlfriend would ever ... pretend ... but, well, he supposed it WAS possible.  Actually, he kind of wouldn't put it past her.

He stuffed another chip in his mouth, munching thoughtfully, and then washed it down with a swig of ale.  Well, then.  This wasn't turning out as badly as he was afraid it would.

"So, I gotta ask ... did you learn all this through trial and error, or ... did you get tips, too?"  Hey, it was yet another valid question ... right?

[Duncan Shaughnessy]

That the lad knew about. So if he knew about it, how come he hadn't done anything with it. It kinda followed when you noticed the girl liked being touched there. Would you keep touching it?

"Yes, pretty much," he replied. Yes, keep on it...duh. Then again he had forgotten how much he'd known and not known from when Rohan had assaulted him with all this.

"Different for every lass, and it really also depends on how well you do it. Generally the faster the lass gets off, the better you've done," he said with a nod.

It actually felt good to help a younger bloke. Shagging was serious business. Passing along knowledge was important. Unless you came across a cougar who wanted to teach you in return for using your cock.

"Yeah, I have, everyone has. It's not that easy a lot of time, especially with the younger lassies who aren't experienced and all...And if she actually gets off her walls are going to grab you inside her and quiver like mad. Lassies don't learn how to fake it real well until later, but then I think you can kinda still tell.

He tossed some more chips and cheese into his mouth and then washed it down with more lager. Then he waved for another one. Why not have a few and have something to eat as well.

"I got loads and loads of tips from my elder brother, but there was a bit of trial and error too."

[Jonas Parker]

Jonas glanced up, mid-bite into a crisp.  "Oh," he replied through a mouthful of crisp.  Well, then.  Didn't HE feel a bit stupid now?

He chewed thoughtfully, and stuffed another crisp in his mouth as he mulled that over.  Okay, it seemed easy enough.  He was pretty sure he could handle THAT much.  Or so he hoped.  Well, he'd managed to do something of that nature for a little while, and it produced some ... interesting noises, so he'd gotten off to a good start, yeah?

He had to admit, he felt a bit better when Duncan admitted that there had been ... unsuccessful times, too.  Actually, it made Jonas feel a LOT better, especially since ... whoa, wait.  It generally took longer with younger, inexperienced girls?  Well, THAT didn't bode well for him.  "Erm ... I see," he frowned.  "So ... it gets easier for a girl, once she gets experience?  Like, how much experience?"  Yes, he was very keen to hear how long it might take him to accomplish this little feat for his girlfriend.

But when Duncan described ... well, what it was like, Jonas raised a brow.  "Really?  Huh, interesting."  Well, then.  He was DEFINITELY looking forward to that, then.  If he could make it happen, that was.  "Erm ... and that's more likely to happen when it stops ... being so painful for her, yeah?"  He bit off the end of a chip, and soon shoved the rest of it in.

And then he stopped.  "Your brother gave you tips?"  Seriously??  Mister Scary Man, turned surrogate father figure of sorts, turned boss for the summer, had given TIPS on this sort of thing?  Wow, learn something new every day!  "Did he actually offer, or did you have to ask?"

Interesting, truly interesting.

[Duncan Shaughnessy]

Cheese and potato. That combination was just killer. He wished he could thank whoever thought that was a good idea. Not only was it a good idea, it was a damn good idea. It was good fuel too.

"Aye, it gets easier for a lass as she gets more experienced. Some lasses haven't had a real orgasm until a few years if the bloke really stinks."

Duncan had come across so many lassies that had thought they had one but really hadn't once they'd experienced the real thing. Rather funny really. Lassies had to learn what it felt like almost. At least that's what Duncan made of it.

"Yeah way more likely once it stops hurting and all. With those tips you should be able to get it withing the month or something..."

And his lager refill had arrived. He took a long slurp, wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and then popped some more cheese and chips into his mouth. After a few moments, he finally swallowed.

"Aye, he gave me loads. Bloody let me watch him snog with his girlfriend when I was fourteen," Duncan said with a laugh. "He offered. Felt it was his big brotherly duty or something. I think its some Shaughnessy tradition thingmie. They're all nutters about shagging."

This was rather amusing. It was actually a bit brilliant to talk a  younger bloke through this.

[Jonas Parker]

A few years?  A few YEARS??  Jonas did NOT like the sound of that ... he didn't like the sound of that at ALL.  "Yeah, that'd be just my luck," he groused, muttering under his breath quietly.  He somehow got the sickening feeling that he was NEVER going to be able to please his girlfriend in that manner.

He stuffed another chip in his mouth, feeling like he'd gone back to Square One.  Taking another swig out of his tankard, he quirked a brow at Duncan.  "Or within the year, yeah?  I somehow think that within the month is a bit of a stretch ..."  He frowned slightly, munching on a crisp, and then clarified, "Considering that we've only done this ... erm, twice ... in the last, erm, four months and such."

Now that he'd said it out loud, he sounded rather pathetic.  VERY pathetic, actually.  Most blokes bragged that they were shagging on a quite regular basis.  Jonas continued to shove chips into his mouth, munching in silence.  Maybe he'd been wrong in doing this to begin with?  Could be ... but then, he really didn't like the notion of going to the local bookstore for something along the lines of "How to Get Your Girlfriend Off, In Five Easy Steps", either.  IF such a book existed.

And then he froze, his bright blue eyes widening considerably as he nearly choked on a crisp.  "Your brother had you WATCH him snogging?  To show you how it was done?"  SERIOUSLY??  That just ... yeah.  That was just ... weird.  A little TOO weird, for Jonas's taste.  He wasn't much of an exhibitionist, to say the least.

"Erm, what do you mean, all nutters about shagging?"  It was almost like an automobile wreck, yeah?  You didn't want to know, but you just HAD to know.  Although Jonas wasn't so sure he wanted all the gory details of Mr. Shaughnessy's sex life.  Thank MERLIN he hadn't gotten like that whenever Jonas was at his house, yeah?

[Duncan Shaughnessy]

Duncan chuckled as the lad let out his fears. Well at least he knew that he wasn't getting his girlfriend off and was trying to do so. That was something. That was the first step. Couldn't get anywhere if you didn't start there.

"Think positively. Just keep on the clit long enough and it will happen. If you finish and she doesn't, keep on it. You've got more than just your cock to work with, lad."

He wasn't so sure how much graphic detail he wanted to go into. The boy seemed to have enough of a hard time as it was. On the other hand Duncan had lapped it up when Rohan was spilling his secrets. then again, Rohan didn't just spill them, it was like a pipe burst of knowledge. It was more like a gushing. A spray.

"Oh aye, he did, it was rather educational. Trousers stayed on though, but there was a lot of bloody petting."

Duncan continued laughing and then wiped his hands on a napkin before running a hand through his hair and sitting back a bit. He'd pretty much inhaled his food. Not surprising for Duncan.

"My brother missed his calling as a porn star," Duncan said, "And you still have to announce yourself if you show up at my parents, because you're liable to walk in on it. And whenever someone randomly disappears with a significant other, the family suspects and discusses the possibilities and realities of their shagging."

[Jonas Parker]

Right, think positively.  Easier said than done ... although, to be honest, he'd only tried twice.  And he could have SWORN that it had been a lot easier to get Mandy Forrester to that Happy Zone, than it was his girlfriend.  Who hadn't been ... as experienced as Mandy had.  Which suddenly made Mandy look a LOT less special, because ... well, let's face it, Mandy had gotten AROUND.

The smile on Jonas's face was a bit strained as he held up a hand.  "Right, got it, mate.  No need to go any further, really.  I can take it from there."  He couldn't even BEGIN to describe how glad he was, that Duncan didn't go into any further detail than that.

Rather educational?  Nice.  Even in his free time, Mr. Shaughnessy was apparently teaching.  Not that Jonas really wanted to learn anything of THAT sort from him.  Bloody hell, he was still getting used to the notion that Mrs. Shaughnessy used to be Professor McIntyre!  Y'know ... the uptight prude in voluminous dresses, who'd taught astronomy?  Yeah, it had been funny to go on about how she'd needed to get laid ... but after this newest little insight, Jonas had the feeling that perhaps he'd obtained a little Too Much Information.

Especially that bit about Mr. Shaughnessy missing his calling as a porn star.  Shifting about a bit uncomfortably in his seat, Jonas replied, "Well ... he certainly, erm, makes a rather good Cursebreaker."  Ugh, so NOT the picture he necessarily he wanted in his mind, that of Mr. Shaughnessy shagging with his wife.  Not that either of them were bad-looking, because there really had been a LOT of blokes who'd wondered what she'd looked like, underneath those huge dresses.

Oh.  Nice.  So Duncan came from a family obsessed with sex, did he?  "Well ... that's interesting," Jonas replied with another strained smile.  "I'll erm ... keep that in mind, and make sure to announce my presence next time I'm over at your brother's house."  And ... oh, GEE!  Look at the time!

Finishing off the last of his chips, Jonas nodded at Duncan.  "Speaking of, I've a Latin lesson to get in a couple of hours, so I'd best get the rest of my stuff taken care of, before I head over there.  But thanks for the advice, mate, truly appreciated.  Very educational."  He stood up, and tossed some money on the table.  "You have yourself a good day ... and I'll see you around, yeah?"

He was suddenly very, VERY glad that his sister had moved on, he mused to himself as he walked out the door.  No telling WHAT sort of sordid details he would have unwittingly learned.

(out)

[Duncan Shaughnessy]

Duncan was fully understanding that Parker didn't want to know more details. The lad didn't need to be anymore obvious about it. Not that Duncan wanted to give more details. It just made the lad seem a bit repressed or something.

"Wasn't going to," he said, rolling his eyes.

"That he does, and maybe you'll get to work for him one day, lucky you," Duncan said, grinning cheekily.

Of course the lad seemed further bothered by any talk involving his brother which confused Duncan to a certain extent. What was such a big deal about Rohan? Was it because the lad knew his brother? What did that matter?

"Oh, yeah, sure. No problem. Use it to your advantage," he said as the lad was early up and running out the door. Being late for Latin? What had happened to Parker?

(OUT)